#i couldnt get it down like i envisioned it in my head sobbing

[icebrooding]

"I'm aware of no creature in this world that doesn't defend its young from predators. Perhaps not always successfully, but often to the point of their own death."

[madisonrooney]

jersey boys weekend was....insane. which like obvs i expected but it was far more insane than i couldve predicted in the best possible way. more under the cut.

i think imma just let out a stream of consciousness that ill keep chronological as best i can

- its always hard to say if ill cry or not cuz sometimes i do sometimes i dont even with really really special things. admittedly, i was even more vulnernable bc when we got in friday night, there was an issue with our tix. they were supposed to be in the pit but the pit had been removed bc of covid. they had called me last june about changing my pit tix for saturday matinee but never addressed friday even tho they knew i had tix for multiple shows. given that was last june, naturally i forgot about it, so i never reached out to them or anything. so they just had to....find other seats for us. i was really confused and not sure if we were gonna get moved or something. admittedly tho, that still counts as “emotions being impacted by jersey boys” so. hey. but i was definitely also vulnerable out of excitement, i was feeling that all day.

anyway. yah. i fucking sobbed when ces soirees la started, even into silhouettes. like not just tears streaming down my face but like vocal, guttural sobbing. which admittedly isnt that appropriate in a theater, thats more of a concert thing, but i couldnt control myself. regardless it was euphoric. you have no idea how many times i have envisioned that moment in my head for the last TWO YEARS. it may have been slightly disrupted and i was a bit distracted, but i was definitely still able to be present in the moment to some extent.

- every. last. second. not only was just so perfectly written, paced, and acted, but felt so connected to who i am and what i love. not to say i didnt already know i felt that way about the show, but it had been so long. nearly twice as long as the longest id gone without seeing the show before (since i fell in love with it that is). not to mention weve all changed a lot over the last 2 years and im sure most can say they hold the things they love to an even higher value now, especially if those were things they couldn’t experience during quarantine.

- there was new dialogue between frankie and mary?? about knowing each other in high school?? not sure when that was added or why but my mom and i looked at each other like ???? that HAS to be really new cuz i listen to the jersey boys podcast and they havent mentioned it, and i feel like they would if they knew about it

- frankie valli is a short king. dont know how ive never said this before.

- gyp had a really good my mothers eyes cry and i grade gyps on that lol

- im starting to realize that i go ape is kind of a bop. is that bad.

- my dad came to saturday matinee. he hadnt seen the show before, id shown him the movie twice but he couldnt get that into it. but i think it finally clicked. i didnt get my hopes too high, i was sure enough he wouldnt hate it but if he just liked it ok that wouldve been enough. but he kept saying it was “awesome.” i heard him laughing at a number of jokes and i know he loved the music. he had to leave right after so i havent gotten much time to hear all of his thoughts but im def gonna call him soon to hear more.

- OKAY so after saturday matinee, we went to the stage door cuz i wanted pics with the tour buses. turned out, they were just all white but THE CAST WAS THERE. i didnt really know what to do since i know some places discourage stage dooring given the pandemic so i was just like as considerate as i could be but they were super chill, and i got pics with a ton of them + autographs??? normally i rehearse what ill say to actors in my head first and i did a bit leading up to this weekend, but i was pretty sure it wasnt even gonna happen, and in this case, i got no advance notice, i just had to jump right into it. they were just...THERE. so its safe to say i was a bit rambly and probably not saying exactly what i intended too but i also beat myself up too much in those situations a lot. they were all SO nice. i was so so so so happy and excited cuz i mean stage dooring is always exciting and more so for this show but the fact that it happened WHEN I WASNT EVEN EXPECTING IT TO. i was coming unglued looking forward to the show alone and then i got THIS on top of it. i wouldve been over the moon meeting just ONE cast member but i met a TON????

worth noting, one of the people i met was katie goffman who was doves cher understudy in clueless the musical!! i had been excited when she was announced for the touring cast back in late 2019 i think? so im so glad she was still in the cast and that i got to meet her.

i also got to meet kevin patrick martin again who id seen on tour and seen and met at 54 below both in 2018. i remembered him being super nice and he was super nice this time around too. more on him later.

also met the actors who played tommy, joey, crewe, and gyp

- my best friend @wander--meets--world came saturday night, also not having seen the show, just the movie. again, if she just liked it ok, that wouldve been more than enough, i couldnt really say for sure if itd be her thing or not. but she really liked it!! and had so many thoughts to share that we got to talk about at intermission and afterwards!!! over the years, ive had so few people to talk about this show with. i usually just rely on my mom who is great but i cant yknow meme with her fdhgjlkjd. jessica’s familiar with p much all my other main fandoms so we can discuss them, but we hadnt been able to discuss this, which is majorly high on the list. so the fact that we can now makes me sososososo happy.

it was also the first time wed seen each other in person in 2 years?? weve never gone anywhere near that long without seeing each other in the 15 years weve known each other?? and what better thing for us to have been doing than this. we also listened to plastic hearts, went to our fav italian place downtown, went to the 24 hour baskin robbins after the show, and watched cr1tikal in her car. ideal saturday night.

- after that saturday night show, we met a few more cast members, most notably jon hacker who was frankie, who id seen in newsies 7 years ago at the same venue, + as joey at new world stages in 2018, at 54 below a few months later, and then as frankie at new world stages the day after that. met him all those times except when he was joey. i had been so excited that he was a part of the touring cast and im so glad i got to meet him, and we talked for a while! he had such thoughtful responses to everything i had to say. and his poor voice was so gone, he left it all on the floor. (luckily he had a day off today which he deserved lol)

that night, i also met the guy who played nick (who today i realized played gerry when i saw beautiful three years ago and i met him then too lol???) and 2 of the girls who were also super sweet. plus i saw some of the same people from the afternoon again.

- then we had our final matinee this afternoon. we had a different frankie which was very exciting. ofc i love jon but i also love getting to see understudies, especially when youre seeing the show that many times in a row lol. katie was also on and she told me later it was her first time on this year, and i also found out it was her and her husband’s (who plays tommy) first time in the show together!

met that frankie at the stage door plus eric (bob) who id really hoped to meet (he was the only season i hadnt met yet, last piece of the puzzle!) and antonio (barry belson). antonio omgomgomg he was so good in the show so i was so excited to meet him and he gave me a hug??? and i told him like specific inflections of his i liked in the show and he was so touched and impressed that i noticed that??

over the course of making stories and posts on insta, multiple cast members have watched my story, responded to my story, liked my post, commented on my post, and now devon and kevin FOLLOW ME???? HELLO????

im truly just over the moon. again, i knew this weekend would be amazing but SO much more came out of it than i was expecting. like i said, seeing the show was more than enough. even if i only saw it once it wouldve been. but getting to be a crazy superfan and see it so many times was so...validating?? and it was fun to pay attention to more minor details. but then on top of that, the experiences with the cast were remarkable.

it was a little adventure. it felt kind of like the clueless trip (tho i think thatll always take the cake, both for the pure chaos of it all and the unique experience). still, it had the same vibe which felt so good, especially having not felt something like that in so long.

i waited three years for this. eagerly anticipating it to no end and having to deal with it being postponed twice. but it gave me everything i couldve wanted and then some.

rounds 13-16 complete.

[insidetheacademy]

Say You Love Me || iv

pairings: peter parker x reader (both peter and reader are 18+!)

summary: Peter found out that reader is moving away

warnings: angst, explicit language

gif credits: tomholandd

part i part ii part iii part iv part v 

-

you were sitting on a stool just painting on your perfectly laid out easel. envisioning the scenery that you had in your mind. frank ocean was playing in the background, basically you were just vibing to the whole scene that you’re in right now. brushes were gently dragged across the canvas while you sing along to frank ocean.

as you were about to drag your brush that was covered in purple paint, someone had rang your doorbell. it was odd as you dont usually get visitors ever. you think it wasnt appropriate to bring guests over since your place looks like it belongs in a dumpster– you dipped your brush in your jar that’s filled with water and walked over to your door. you opened it slightly to take a peek at who it was

and there he was in all of his glory; Peter Parker. you opened the door wide and greeted him, “Parker, hey. didnt know you were coming over,” you said nervously, his lips curved into a smile “yeah! thought i would surprise you,” it was shocking, yes, you hadnt even told him whats your apartment number. he must have stalked you when he’s being Spider-Man.

you invited him in and turned the volume of the radio down so it wouldnt be noisy. you walked over to your small kitchen to make some tea for the two of you. “so, what brings you here, Peter?” you curiously asked him, “i was just about to ask you out for lunch. i didnt know you were busy,” he said while looking around your cozy apartment.

you took out the teabags from their container and dunked it in the teapot. you then took out two cups and pour the tea out. “i wouldn’t say i’m busy. plus you should’ve called me before coming over,” you handed him his tea. he took a sip and shrugs his shoulder

the next few hours, he hung out at your place, you ordered pizza for the two of you while he was sitting on your couch watching a movie that you had put on. “so, what are you up to nowadays?” you asked Peter, he swallowed his pizza and said “well, i’m just doing superhero stuffs, you know?” you raised your eyebrows and laughed at his statement “as in what?” he crossed his arms and said “i’m actually working with Happy now. believe it or not, he gets on my nerves,” the both of you laughed

“ ‘kay, I’m gonna go to the bathroom” you put down your tea cup and your phone on the coffee table and headed to your bathroom. your phone dings and Peter couldnt help it but to take a small look on who it was, it read “congratulations y/n, on getting a job in Paris!! your father and i are so proud.” Peter heart drops as he read the first few lines. he felt as if he had been betrayed.

you walked into the living room “hey, so what do you wanna do for dinner? i can make mac and cheese,” you stopped in your tracks when you saw Peter holding your phone, “what are you doing with my phone, Pete?” you asked calmly trying not to burst, “y-you’re moving?” he asks almost heartbroken like, you nodded to his question which lead to him being furious. Peter asked yet again “when are you leaving?” , y/n looks down on her feet and said “tomorrow,”. he kept bombarding with questions not planning to stop until he’s got all the answers that he needs, “were you not planning to tell me?” he said you walked to him and snatched your phone away, “it’s not a big deal, Parker! what the hell were you doing looking at my phone anyways?!” you shouted at him

“its not a big deal? this could change your life, y/n! where am i gonna fit in after that?!” Peter scoffed, you were offended at his words, “where are YOU gonna fit in? let me remind you, Parker, you are not my boyfriend so stop acting like one!” you spit at him. as if he wasnt satisfied he shoot back “so you dont even think of me as a friend anymore?!” you rolled your eyes, “for God’s sake, Parker, you stopped calling and texting me when you fucked Jane! you were the one stopped being there! so, no! i dont even think you are a friend. what kind of friend ditches their OWN friend for a girl?” you tried swallowing it but tears just rolls down your cheeks,

the world then fell into this huge awkward silence. what you said to him really went through his head. you were right, he was the one who left you to fend on your own. he could’ve just rejected you and still be friends, but why did he had to ignore you altogether? you sobbed into your hands and said “I think you should leave,” Peter tried to hug you and say sorry “leave.” you said at him with anger and sadness in your voice.

he took his jacket and said “thanks for the tea,” and left. you were shocked, what kind of human being just say that after they had a fight?! you took one of the cups and throw it at the front door wishing that it would hit him. on the otherside, he didnt walk away easily, he stopped to think about his actions in front of your door and was startled to hear a shattering noise. he punched a wall to let out his frustrations only to realise that this isnt his apartment. he ran out as fast as possible before he got caught.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

what the hell were you thinking?! Peter thought to himself. he continues to make you distant from him without even trying! he wanted to be happy for you but everything seems impossible only because of his stupid actions. he lies on his bed in the dark just hugging the life out of his pillow, getting everything out of his system.

the next morning, Peter woke up with swollen eyes and dry throat. he heads into his bathroom and splashed a bit of water on his face. words from yesterday creeping on his mind, replaying like a broken record. he walked to the kitchen to get something to eat. maybe a pop tarts for breakfast? he sat down and thinks to himself, what the hell am i gonna do? should i apologise? suddenly there was a knocking on his door, he gets up to open it, “May!” he exclaims with surprised in his eyes, “hey! did you forget that i was supposed to come over today?” May asked raising her eyebrows,

May walked inside and took a good look around Peter’s apartment, “I thought you were planning to decorate it?” she asked, Peter crosses his arms and said “I-I’ve been busy, May” May gave Peter a weird look as he moved out two months ago and he’s still sleeping on the floor. May walked to Peter and cusped his face, “have you been crying?” Peter nodded only to break down infront of her, “shhh.... shhh... tell me what happened,” May said trying to calm Peter down

Peter told May the whole story, “what do you think I should do, Aunt May?” he asks desperately for an advice, May took Peter’s hands into hers, “she’s leaving today right? go and send y/n off. don’t let her go knowing that she ended things badly with you.” May smiles. Peter stood up from the couch to get ready.

May was right. Peter cant let you go to Paris without apologising to you. this was his fault for acting out and he’s going to make things right. he kissed Aunt May on her cheeks and made his way to your apartment.

Peter is now at your front door just fidgeting with his fingers. he went ahead and ring the doorbell. he waited for a few seconds hoping that you were still sleeping in. he pressed the doorbell yet again but there was no answer. suddenly he heard a voice, “are you looking for Y/n, dear?” she asks in a most loving voice, Peter nodded “I’m afraid she’s already gone to the airport,” Peter’s face drops even more knowing that you had left. “Oh, thank you then,” he walks by her.

“though, you might still can catch her at the airport,” Peter stopped and turned around to face her, “I talked to her this morning and she said she doesnt get on the plane until its 1:50pm,” the old lady smiles at Peter. Peter swore he could feel his own spirits lifted, he thanked her with the hugest grin on his face. He drove right down to the airport. not trying to waste any moment more.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

You had just arrived at the airport, the cab driver was kind enough to lend you a helping hand. You smiled and bid thank you. Suddenly there was a big commotion, people were honking their cars and screaming “hey!”, you turned back to see that it was Peter. You tried walking away from him damn it he’s too fast,

“Y/n, wait!” He shouted, “what do you want, Parker?” You asked in an uninterested voice, he took a deep breath and said “I cant let you go. Not like this. I am so sorry for what happened between the two of us. The truth is, I missed you. At nights, I think about the words you said to me when you confessed. I have been a dick and I am so sorry. I know nothing can erase my actions but let’s start this over again?” You were shocked to say the least, you couldnt believe he came all the way to the airport to say that.

You pulled Peter in for a hug. “I forgive you,” you mumbled against his neck, you let go of him and said “I’m sorry too.. for not telling you any sooner,” he wiped the tears on your cheeks, “hey, its okay. I was the one who had no rights to get mad at you,” you smiled at him and he smiled back.

For the next 40 minutes, he had helped you checked in your plane and carried your baggages around. You were both now sitting in Starbucks just trying to forget about what happened. “I have something for you,” you spoke, Peter was excited to see what it was, you took it out from your backpack and showed him. It was a painting. A painting of him as Spider-man. Peter took it in his hands and admired the painting, “this is awesome, y/n!” Peter blushed knowing that you had spent your time making a potrait of him on top of a building.

“Don’t think I had never saw you looking at me when you’re on the building thats infront of my apartment window,” You sipped your coffee, Peter was embarassed to know that he was caught stalking her. “How long have you had this?” Peter asked, “A month ago when we met again. I knew immediately that you were gonna, quote on quote, keep me safe, like you used to,” you winked at him. You were right, Peter sometimes do that to people he loves. Just lingering near their houses to keep them safe.

40 minutes has gone by so fast and now it was time for you to go. “So this is it!” You said with nervous laced in your voice, “I’m gonna miss you,” Peter smiles at you. You leaned it and gave Peter a kiss on the cheek, you then took your bag from him, “I’m gonna miss you too, Spider-boy,” you smirked at him and went to the gate.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

a/n;; hii i am so sorry for the late update, my phone is fucked ;w; and i cant do anything about it since the whole world is in lockdown but here’s an angsty part 4 to make it all up! thank you all for waiting patiently!

say you love me taglist

@imawkwardandhereweare @canyonmoonspidey @thebadassbitchqueen @thequeenreaders @averyfosterthoughts @a--1--1--3

[xxstyleart]

Chapter 18; Siege and Storm

Heyyooooo, so I’ve adapted a few parts in a particular scene of chapter 18 with Mal, Alina and the Darkling! I’ve been trying to read fanfics and it’s inspired to write my own so here ya go!! *Disclaimer: I’ve adapted the existing scene with a few things I envisioned. Most of the content is original to Leigh. I’ve simply added a few different elements into the scene and developed it the way I thought would create a deeper scene. Also, my content will be written in between double asterisks. Anything outside of that was written by Leigh. & the ‘[...]’ indicate there are additional lines from the book I’ve not included in my post but that I’ve skipped in order to make this post more fluid and concise with my adaptations. Hope that made sense. Enjoy!!!!

(Art credit: nanfe1789)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He nodded, scuffed the toe of his boot along the floor. “I miss you,” he said quietly. Soft words but they sent a painful, welcome tremor through me. Had part of me doubted it? He’d been gone so often.

I touched his hand. “I miss you too.” [...] He let out a long breath. “Saints, I hate this place.” I blinked, startled by the vehemence in his voice. “You do?” “I hate the parties. I hate the people. I hate everything about it.” “I thought... you seemed... not happy exactly, but--” “I don’t belong here, Alina. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.” That I didn’t believe. Mal fits in everywhere. “Nikolai says everyone adores you.”

“They’re amused by me,” Mal said. “That’s not the same thing.” He turned my hand over, tracing the scar that ran the length of my palm. “Do you know I actually miss being on the run? Even that filthy little boarding house in Cofton and working in the warehouse. At least then I felt like I was doing something, not just wasting time and gathering gossip.”

I shifted uncomfortably, feeling suddenly defensive. “You take every chance you get to be away. You don’t have to accept every invitation.”

He stared at me. “I stay away to protect you, Alina.” “From what?” I asked incredulously. He stood up, pacing restlessly across the room. “What do you think people asked me on the royal hunt? The first thing? They wanted to know about me and you.” He turned on me, and when he spoke his voice was cruel, mocking “Is it true that you’re tumbling the Sun Summoner? [...] I stay away to put distance between us, to stop the rumors. I probably shouldn’t even be in here now.”

I circled my knees with my arms, drawing them more tightly to my chest. My cheeks were burning. “Why didn’t you say something?” **Quiet anger rumbled in my chest. How could he not know what was in my heart? How did he not understand that I could not give a care as to what anyone else had to say? I needed him and that’s all that mattered, not what others were speculating about my--sex life.**

“What could I say? And when? I barely see you anymore.” “I thought you wanted to go.” “I wanted you to ask me to stay.”

My throat felt tight. I opened my mouth, ready to tell him that he wasn’t being fair, that I couldn’t have known. But was that the truth? Maybe I had really believe Mal was happier away from the Little Palace. Or maybe I’d just told myself that because it was easier with him gone, because it meant one less person watching and wanting something from me. **Another burden I wouldn’t have to bear. Another disappointment I would avoid. So then, why was there such an aching in my chest as he stood there, staring at me expectantly? What more did he want? Was I not enough? Was I too much?**

He raised his hands as if to plead his case, then dropped them helplessly. “I feel you slipping away from me, and I don’t know how to stop it.”

**His eyes bore into mine with a deep sadness I hadn’t let myself look at for too long these past few weeks. It stung. Maybe because he was right. Maybe because I feared all of this would become too much for him and he’d decide to finally leave for good. Maybe because it was easier to let go first rather than to be left behind like crumbs on a table... Or maybe because it reminded me of the sadness that was growing in my own heart every time he left, because despite his previous declaration in wanting to protect me, I’d felt him slipping away and I hadn’t known what to do about it.** Tears pricked my eyes. “We’ll find a way,” I said. “We’ll make more time--”

“It’s not just that. Ever since you put on that second amplifier, you’ve been different.” My hand strayed to the fetter. “When you split the dome, the way you talk about the firebird... I heard you speaking to Zoya the other day. She was scared, Alina. And you liked it.”

“Maybe I did,” I said, my anger rising. It felt so much better than the guilt or shame. **Times have changed. I’ve changed. I'm not the weak little orphan from Keramzin anymore. I may not be strong, but I am more now. Different. I had to be because of this power, because of all the people depending on it. Why couldn’t he see that?** “So what? You have no idea what she’s like, what this place has been like for me. The fear, the responsibility--”

“I know that. I know and I can see the toll it’s taking. But you chose this. You have a purpose. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore.” [...]

**The rage boiled inside, heat rose to my cheeks and ears. “Coward,” I spat as viciously as I could. Surprise swims in his eyes as he registers my verbal attack. Despite the outburst, a door inside me slams shuts. “I chose nothing.” I say coldly. He stiffens at my change of tone. “I did not choose to be born with this power. I did not choose to wage this war. I did not choose to go after the stag,” I twisted the knife.

A mix of hurt, desperation and fear contorts his face. I know he remembers. It was his idea to go after the stag--to get it before the Darkling could so I could be used against the Darkling in time, just as everyone here was planning on doing. He shakes his head in denial.** [...] “You came here for Ravka. For the firebird. To lead the Second Army.” He tapped the sun over his heart. “I came here for you. You’re my flag. You’re my nation. But that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Do you realize this is the first time we’ve really been alone in weeks?” **Brief shock overcame me.**

The knowledge of that settled over us. The room seemed unnaturally quiet. Mal took a single tentative step toward me. Then he closed the space between us in two long strides. One hand slid around my waist, the other cupped my face. Gently, he tilted my mouth up to his. “Come back to me,” he said softly. **The tenderness in his voice pulled at my heart and thaws it. The door that slammed shut creaked open just a bit. This. This was what I yearned for--what I’ve been missing. Him. His love, his affection. No pride and no barriers to stand in our way. My body relaxed in response.** He drew me to him, but as his lips met mine, something flickered in the corner of my eye.

The Darkling was standing behind Mal. I stiffened. Mal pulled back. “What?” he said. “Nothing. I just...” I trailed off **as fear choked me. I didn’t know what to say.** The Darkling was still there. “Tell him you see me when he takes you in his arms,” **he taunts. His voice was too raw. Too real. It shattered me.** I squeezed my eyes shut. Mal dropped his hands and stepped away from me, his fingers curling into fists. “I guess that’s all I needed to know.” **Panic rose in my chest.** “Mal--” “You should have stopped me. All that time I was standing there, going on like a fool. If you didn’t want me, you should have just said so.” “Don’t feel too bad, tracker,” said the Darkling. **Each word sounded like shattering glass and it was hard for me to not cringe anymore than I already had.** “All men can be made fools.” “That’s not it--” I protested. “Is it Nikolai?” “What? No!” “Another otazt’sya, Alina?” the Darkling mocked. Mal shook his head in disgust. “I let him push me away. The meetings, the council sessions, the dinners. I let him edge me out. Just waiting, hoping that you’d miss me enough to tell them all to go to hell.” I swallowed, trying to block out the vision of the Darkling’s cold smile. **He knows. He knows I won’t say anything more. I’ll let Mal believe this lie rather than tell him what I truly see. He knows I’m too afraid to face that truth.**

[...] “Mal--” **Faltering before I truly begin. He’s slipping. I need to say something. Anything. But what? What can I say to make him stay? Pain strikes me as I realized there wasn’t a better option than nothing.** [...] “I don’t want to hear about [...] Ravka or the amplifiers or any of it.” He slashed his hand through the air. “I’m done.” He turned on his heel and strode toward the door.

“Wait!” I rushed after him and reached for his arm. **Desperation clung to me. I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin on mine. I hoped for it to drive away this coldness I felt inside.**

He turned around so fast, I almost careened into him. “Don’t, Alina.”

**My heart broke. He was already pushing me away. I can see that the distance was much more than the few inches between us.** “You don’t understand--” I said, **faltering again. How could I put it into words he wouldn’t judge me for? How could I think of him so often after all that he’s done? Why do I keep seeing the Darkling? Mal would be disgusted of me.**

“You flinched. Tell me you didn’t.” “It wasn’t because of you!” **I just wished he’d believe me.** Mal laughed harshly. “I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.” The words hit me like a slap. He slammed the door behind him.

I stood there, staring at the closed doors. I reached out and touched the bone handle. **I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. His words ring in my head, cutting through me like a double-edged knife.** You can fix this, I told myself. You can make this right. But I just stood there, frozen. [..] I bite down hard on my lip to silence the sob that shook my chest. That’s good, I thought as the tears spilled over. That way the servants won’t hear. An ache had started between my ribs, a hard, bright shard of pain that lodged beneath my sternum, pressing tight against my heart.

**I turned and leaned against the door, gasping for breath while trying not to let the sobs erupt. I see him fully now, standing exactly where he was behind Mal, just before the bed. The moonlight shone against his tall silhouette and illuminated his broad shoulders, his strong arms. I can see his perfect face, a smile no longer on his lips. He had the mercy to not look smug. Instead, his face was stony and cold but there was something dark swirling in his eyes that I couldn’t make out. I pinned him in place with a look, offering nothing but anger, hatred, and resentment.

I brought my hands to my face, my fingers curling and slightly tugging at my roots. Angrily, I spoke, my voice becoming louder with each question. “Why do I keep seeing you? Why are you here? Why must you torture me like this?” I’m nearly begging him for answers. My hands slashed the air between us, frustrated. “Must you make me drive him away?” I can read his face clearly now. The problem with wanting is that it makes you weak.

He thaws and looks at me disgustingly lovingly. His eyes were soft as he wrapped his hands around one of mine then laid it over his heart. The other caressed my cheek. Gently, he answers,“Yes, I do because you must realize that in this world, there is only you and I. There is no one else like us: powerful. Your power is growing every day. As much as you love him, he could never love you without fearing you first. And as much as you want him to be there for you--to understand you, he simply can’t. He is otazt’sya. None of them will ever know you the way I do. None will understand the hunger for more power or the delight we feel when we use it. There is no one who will not fear you or judge you. Only I can understand you. Only I will not fear or judge you for what you are. You are Alina Starkov, my equal. We were made opposites, but are halves to the other. We were meant to be together.”

I try to yank my hand back from his chest, but I am frozen. I try again, but to no avail. His words shake me to my core. Knowingly, he says nothing and silently urges me on. How? How was he able to read me so well? How did he know so much about how I felt? Of all people, how could he know what I was going through when he wasn’t even here with me? Or real? Shame and resentment filled me. We wage a silent battle, looking into each other’s eyes, acutely aware of the other. We stayed like that for a long time, so long, my body relaxed and grew used to his presence.

I finally break the silence.“...Why won’t you just let me be?” My voice broke. He was only a figment of my mind playing tricks on me. He wasn’t real... so why did he look so real? Why did this feel so real? He was an itch that I couldn’t soothe. I keep scratching to try and ease the itching but it only makes things worse and now I’m bleeding.

“If I did that, you’d be alone.” His words felt like a bucket of cold water washing over me. Loneliness? Wasn’t that his fear? You don’t understand, my words to Mal echoed again. I’d meant he didn’t understand that I’d actually flinched from him because of the Darkling, not because I didn’t want him but had I meant something else too? Was what the Darkling was saying true? With this new found power of mine, was loneliness my fear now as well? My blood turned cold at that truth. Yes, it was... ‘Sankt Alina’, they’d whispered during prayers. They’d praised the Sun Summoner without cease but I saw the look in their eyes. Admiration was there on the surface but it was fear that had driven them--fear of me... of my power. I saw the way servants never stood too closely, the way they flinched at my every move. I saw the way peers did their best to dance around me with their words. People claimed to worship the Saint but I saw their pity. No one wants this kind of responsibility or this raw hunger for power in any life.

“Alone...” I whispered. “Is that what we are?” As soon as I let the words out, I felt it: alone. It kicked me in the gut and nearly choked the air from my lungs. Tears well in my eyes again and spilled over without cease. My body gives way to the weight in my heart and I sink to the floor. The harsh reality that no one would ever understand drowns me. The fear courses through like an unforgiving tsunami. Breathing became difficult. No one could ever understand me. No one except the Darkling.**

I didn’t hear the Darkling move; I only knew when he was beside me. His long fingers brushed the hair back from my neck and rested on the collar. When he kissed my cheek, his lips were cold, **and I welcomed it, begrudgingly. We were alone, together.**

[fiverreed-blog]

In the room the walls were white and simple and the windows were open and a soft wind stuck the lace curtains to the sash stops. There was no television or screen of any kind, but there was a bible, facedown on the wheeled table, black and pink-worded and mute in the tensionless atmosphere. To the right, jutting into the door, one nautically-colored chair was empty. Everything seemed to somehow speak a little, saying you must really suffer now. He sat cross-legged and hunched with his knees gowned in the bedsheets. Through the window, gleaming persons quivered across the morning parking lot. Just off it was a small weird courtyard where Julien paced in agitation around a gazebo. She sighed shakily for a space of several seconds, stooped agaisnt the pearl paint, and inspected her wrists and the backs of her hands, trying to be present. She started sobbing and gazed up. Initially in her life all this would have made no sense. How was she supposed to handle all of it? She wanted to see her mom and her dad. A robin trotted through the heat, issuing now and then a note of hateless song. She lifted her chin from her forearm and gazed at it. When it fluttered, she blinked. It hopped out of sight. She let her eyes fall away. She walked through the corridors and stood in Fiver’s doorway, and went and sat at the edge of the bed to be with him. She backed up her elbows into the mattress and looked around. He said, I want to die. I don't yet. Man! He hollered, and they watched one another’s faces. Aah! He pulled at his ducked brow confusedly and slapped the mattress. Man! An entering nurse said looking for you, and sat next to Julien. I told myself she’s not in her room, she’s probably down the hall. They didn't admit me, so I don't have a room. Well, that explains it. My arm? She meant, were they replacing the vein now? Yes, that’s what we’re doing. I don’t want aenesthetics. Okay. How long will it take? She stood up. I’ll be back, she told Fiver. We can do it right here, if you like. She sighed. Okay. She sat back down, looked down, and looked at the wall behind the nurse’s head. The nurse displayed the foldy white tube she was going to secure inside her arm. She pronounced its uses, her face sprinkled by windowlight and fan air. ...So it won’t be black anymore, it will lose that charred bruise, hopefully, usually it goes that way. And you’ll be happy to know that the new ones don’t pop out. Is that humor? Julien held it between pinched fingers to her one open eye trying to look through it. You can’t sight along it, she told everybody. Well, its not a telescope. In front of her parents’ home, kids dropped from bay laurel boughs to the sidewalks. Ouch! Aaghh! Her wide mouth kept springing open under her clenched eyes. She kept flickering her head up sideways, trying to cling her mind to this moment, this moment, this moment. The nurse, who was named Jennifer Thomas, said, think of it like, this strange lady is giving me a haircut. When it was over she slumped in the chair dead-faced, curling her arm away so as not to undo the gauze. Fiver was asleep. He wasn’t. When does it ever end? Ever? I think it just did. I hope. No, don’t do that, at least not yet. She began to be in rivalry with the pain starting up in her mind. That night she was up and thought about walking home but she didn’t feel like it and was too sick, and anyway, the time was now. The press of darkness on her head was a delicate thing; if she moved too quickly, or at all, her mind was set spinning painfully, like she’d been made into the shore, and the tide was in. Too much of this inrush from the outside and she’d succomb, she’d be flipped apart and halved over and over until there was nothing left to make it back to. She prayed spirally Christian prayers frantically. She made it out to the nurses station. The night technician had a face that shattered into millions of tremulous flowers. This wouldn't be on my chart, she said, because I don't have one, but I'm withdrawing from benzodiazepines. Honey! You have to tell us these things! The nurse’s face was a golden argonaut’s now, with steel barnacles for the fastening in of cables by pliar. The light sprinted away from her face and into the splintering, draining air. I should have told you, she said. In her head she asked these words as a question. She thought the nurse said you can’t break the ties that bye yai yind. Oh my goodness! She called, rotating into the flourescent air. To lie on the floor was to damage the surface of the planet. She knew this, but she couldnt remember that she knew it, because her memory had broken. She could feel it trying to return, but even if it could, she wasn’t supposed to let it, because that was wrong. Next to her face someone’s scrubs made noise against their socks. The feel of her cheeks on the tile was excruciating. She flashed on a statue of a satyr in the feeding waters of a fountain. Think I’ll stop hanging out with Sean for a while, Jamie said to Alison in Blackwells one afternoon. His fake gruffness is getting on my nerves. Yup, said Alison. Its annoying. She glanced past Jamie’s face to see who was coming through the door. Brock, she said. Its Brock. You waiting for someone? Nah. Its just some feeling I’m having. Feeling. Why else would we be down here drankin’ but to rid ourselves of those? Drankin’... Alison admired the screen above the bar, blinking placidly, inquiring after the source of her current peaceful feelings. She sat her chin on the flipped rim of her wrist and watched Jamie with gentleness. I’m waiting on art to arrive, Jamie said, cause I feel it coming. Yeah...nobody around here cares... She couldnt ever predict what she herself would say or do, so that when the time came, she could explode in the face of things properly. A baptist walked by, got caught in her gaze, dodged out of it, frowned out of the wish to correct, and glanced on by, in some stream she didn’t care to understand. Jamie? Yes. Uhh... fuck believers. So sorry to hear that. I’m sure. Hey guy! Fuck your community! Jamie reeled her back by going at her sleeve like she was jiggering charcoal lines. Listen up: need ya to accompany me whilst I buy some drugs. Oh please. Please? Don’t fucking beg me. Well then I’m saying I’m telling you youre coming. What’s in it for me? Such piss, she said to her beer. Such a lot of piss. The company. I’m in your company right now. It would be a learning experience as well. You should grow up. Okay then, do it to spite local Christians. Uh close, but...scale it up. My friend, it wouod be a global action. ..and be like whose repurcussions are inevitably percussive. Thank you, she said with actual primness. Obliged. Oh, Jamie flicked her shot glass. That makes me so happy. She hugged Alison tightly around the shoulders. I don't wanna let go. Jamie said, you drive cause you've had less. Where’m I taking us? First to the projects, then to the country. In this way we can avoid the rich places entirely. Not buying pills from my parents’ neighbors’ kids, sweet. I heard about cha, Jamie laughed. Taking your mom’s oxys and passing out. Yeah. I was in actual pain, though. She said: look at how I’m driving. This is the definition of creeping. Jamie laughed. Less creep, more roll! You gotta roll through like you have a destination, a purpose. Have you hung out with Fiver lately? Not of late cause he dissapears. Wonder how he is. My feeling is he and Julien are disappearing into one another’s arms and lives. Good for them. She freaks me out, but then again so’s Fiver. She’s cool. Yeah, but she doesn’t hang out. She’s busy. Cause she does shit. She’s too good to creep through and buy shit in duplicate, crack for her dad and lortabs for herself, even though she wants to find a way to the other side of this shit and be at rest as a big bad good person. Yeah, said Alison. Here we are. Jamie asked her to park and stepped out and bought pills in the blink of an eye. Don’t ask me to do this shit again. Alright, I won’t. It freaks me out. I didn’t want to be alone. Yeah, said Alison. Nobody does. You can be a jerk sometimes. Sorry, Jamie. Want to come over! Sure. Take pills and make stuff with paint. Jamie was dropping her hands in a water basin to get the high sandy flecks off her fingers. Its hard to think about staying in this town. To really consider it. She flicked drops in Alison’s face gently. Flincher. I guess the problem is I don’t know what it looks like. I can’t envision it. Staying. I dunno, said Alison. Like ten years? What’s that look like? Let’s go to the prairielands. Find the prairielands. Do those even still exist? I don’t know. Want me to google it and find out? ...I’m discovering that yes, the grasslands do, in fact, to some extent, yeah, still exist, but we’d have to go to like Omaha, which is probably just a collection of toilet houses, so...fuck that... ...but then I can’t see leaving yet, either. Likewise. Omaha seems like a giant hospital. Oh, its so sad, the feeling that there’s nothing at all in the world. There’s nothing, said Alison. I don’t know though. Yeah there probably is. How does one deal with it? You deal with it. Jamie trapped a print in clothespins and said, Too firm a perspective. You could stay. Open a bar. Make money, she sighed. Lack love. Although I don’t really feel that way. Wait, what are you talking about? Friend, I’m saying anyway you can die, I can die better. Huh? Alison! She laughed. Stop paying attention to me as if I’m saying anything truly important. You perplex me. Good. No, you worry me. I want to get a dalmation so I can strip the spots off thus I’d have mats for the patio. God. Pat ee yo. This one’s called gazebos for zebras, but its not about that, its about the permanent midnight of space. I don’t care for it. Its true meaning is I can side with sociopaths as well as anyone else. Think I’m gonna get out of here. Nooo! Its fine by me. We’ll hang out when you’re the slightest but sober. O K. At home out of tiredness she failed to say hi to her father, failed to feel close with her mother, went up the stairs. In her upstairs room with the window open the the breezy silence made the hour seem sad. There wasn’t hollowness though, and she felt lucky to not be Jamie, to not have all sorts of useless miseries echo past her heart like zipping birds, and laugh, and misunderstand. The wind stirred the alder boughs and brought them close enough to graze the sill. Ali! She didn’t hear the call until it came again: Ali come down! She groaned. No I refuse. She rolled her chair over to the sill. Shhh. You’ll wake the people. Oh man the people She lay her forehead against the dig-in of her palm. Its late and I’m lazy. Yeah, except time doesn’t really exist. Cept it does. A black dog came lapping along his heels. He recoiled but it still got tangled in his legs. She laughed good-naturedly. He fell down onto his palms and bounced back up to step around wobbily. Do you have any composure up there? Tons. Toss some down. Nope. I’m wide awake. Come on. Lets go play in the streets. You’re a doofus. Pretty please? Pretty please? Yeah definitely. I stand by it. She laughed. Tiredly she knocked her temple around along her wristline. Beneath blue dye her red hair was down and stray along the hairline. I don’t know. I’m really tired. Her phone dinged and lit softly. Text from Jamie. It said Every five or six months we select five or six of them and rip half their faces off. Man! She rubbed her eyes. What’s going on with Jamie? What do you mean? Acting crazy. Like how? Like crazy. Like saying shit that’s weird and not knowing she’s say ng it sometimes and then other times embracing the heck out of it. Is she on drugs? Uh yeah. I don't know. Am I waking your parents? No, your voice is soft, but I may be. How’d you get over here if your car’s all wrecked? I walked. Then I’m walking -- he flipped his arms into a railroad crossing configuration -- right back the other way, so I’ll probably get to Julien’s when she’s ready to wake up. How’s that going? Really well, I think. We’re past those zags where we stop knowing one another. Those. She’s life-guarding this summer. Life-guarding?!? But she’s such a tiny one. You’re dumb. That just means she can save people by surprise. I’m not dumb. Good on her. I’m proud. Quit drinking! You did? I think. Making me proud now. It was still. She squinted at the crisp ring spaced broadly round the moon. In not too long a time cloudsbank would move across and the competing eerie pales would tease one another apart. Its a hushy kind of peace, she said. With the boughs grazing me. Anyway well, if you’re not coming down, I’m gonna walk off across town. See ya! See ya Ali! He tossed a few crumpled fingers in the air. That doesn’t make a wave, you spaz. Its also a fist, he said. So its a whole mix. He walked confidently until he started to slip into lifelessness. He sped up, recoiling from the look of streetlamps. Spiders scattered up the drive and under pails and the faces of gargoyles were unblemished forever. Not going over there. Aw. Come on. Nuh-uh. Alison, if you go over there with me-- You’ll WHAT, and there was no answer. She woke from this dream exhausted, put on her dizzy shit, went and sat on the stoop and drank a bunch of coffee. A robin curlicued up the land. Okay clearly she had not been cut out for this shit where they head into project housing and come out with a gun, amd last night only served to prove that. James Orange's dream--What had it been, what had it been--oh yeah where the guy with a round sun for a held held up two more suns at arms length. He'd been equidistant between Venus and some other thing, and the suns had been the pearls. The fog blew off the front of her brain. Her coffee cup was empty. She rose and stretched her arms and spotted where someone had left trash on the walks and pursed her face and frowned and blinked and blinked again and said oh well, went through the screen door to the lobby without being careful for its closing, her arms sapped of energy, her hips postureless, her steps inattentive to the smooth physical shape of the corridor. She got in her apartment and told her fish, so tired, you’re in your fish-tank and I’m TIRED. She sat in the chair with her arms on the armrests and lay back her head and dropped her mouth open ostentatiously. Some dude texted her at like ten in the morning. She called him back and said NO. Do not fucking TEXT ME. Hung up the phone and said Jesus!, startling the parrot. Whole lotta bullshit, mynah bird. She felt shame. She called Fiver. Stop communicating with my dreams. He was slow and groggy. What? He asked. Where were you wanting to go? What! What are you talking about! He rolled off the couch and peeked past the sill at the weather. What are you doing today? Ohhh....gon skate. Well shit. You should have just said so at the foremost. There’s nothing left to do but skate after the holocaust. She said, You’re dumb. He hung up the phone and hissed joyfully at the cats and went and perched in the window with a book. In the elementary school parking lot six of them bounded out from all four doors of the corrolla and skated around, preparing to rip creation asunder. Alison sat observantly on a stair, a crumpled cap tilted on her head. Jamie washed out of the alley and leaned on her board, watching the fray from in front of the sunlight. Alison cried, What’s up Jamie! Come over here! Lady hiya, I cannot! I must show them how its done. Ali winced at the grounded-out noise. Noon’s gay, Jamie! Its big and gay! A big, gay bird! And, I’m partly gay meself, so...no offense! I know! Thank you for reaffirming this knowledge! She bared her teeth at Fiver. Fiver, lemme take you in my jaw like a pup I’m gonna eat. We’ll whip one another around like crazy spaceships, even if it doesn’t work like that physically. What the FUCK are you talking about, careening Nathan inquired. Nathan, you’re such a complainer! cried Jamie. Nathan’s a short bitch! Ali hollered. But look at that hair! How it waves! Ali, you’re the goddamn golden child! I knew it! She bowed her face and threw her fists up. What the FUCK, Nathan said. STOP. JESUS. Just bein’ thankful, said jamie. We’re asleep until we love. In Blackwells Fiver said to Jamie, Jamie, will you help me work a spell on these river southerners? What sort of spell? I don’t know, I can’t think well enough to strategize. Ah yeah, that. Such a problem! Such a problem, Sean. Ahh? Its that you don’t listen to me when I speak. Fuck you sometimes. Fiver’s turned away. Let’s be ever so dextrous and steal a water vessel. Fiver, you can’t come if you hate us, but if you love us you may come. Y’all are the only ones of your kind I like, Sean said. I don’t understand. You’re on drugs. You’re drug people. And stupid, it occurs to me. Don’t you understand, Sean? We’re going to steal us a boat. Stupid without being stuoid. I knooow. I Know so very much, Dear Sean. You...keep people away...by assigning them names, to blank them out. He slouched his neck back and popped the top button of his collar open. Well, I’ll come, even if I don’t care or give a fuck. Fiver, save some of that cash, like don’t tip, so’s you can fling it fearfully at the homeless you’re too scared to save. Wanna ding dong ditch my drunk dad and in quick succession fuck all my friends AND enemies and I wish you’d turn your heart around before its too late. You know it sucks when the option has become, friend, I used to love being in your presence, like that was love and truth and home, but now I have to settle for seeing you in the afterlife. Leave behind the labor of performing fictional experiments on yourself, come, we’ll set up a hearth forever and you can rest your bones in my bones before we’re even old. I’m saying, wash my feet, caress the exhaustion from them, polish my old toes new by handing the bathed tiredness out of them, give it all up like innards to the held hands of the marvelous cosmos. I think I’m the rain. A seated cat glimmered blackly like an ancient jar. A pinch crazy, a mite ooooh, a bit alien, and quite drunk and high. Be happy for your job, pal. To the best of your ability be worshipful of Sophia in the lobby of the ol backwoods. To the northwest a ways, across the mississip, the people are normal, and sane, and ya could have gone there, but noo noo you gotta exhibit the disease of alcoholism as the second half of the opera of masking yourself to your own avoidance, shitperson. Light little aspirer. My beloved. I’m just saying, you shouldn’t have marched into the sea without me. Here have this fucking pen. To do this shit is somehow who you are so whether you like it or not, you’ve just got to. Channel me. I bridge France and England, or perhaps shall. Charlie, come home. Oh, he will one day, singing fucking angrily, calling out the world’s evil. Siphon, finish that shit up and let’s go take a tumble through the streets. And flame out? No, galoot. You mean flame out. You’d have to imprison me before I’d claim that. Alison said, my solidly alternative spirit means I haven’t withered in despair over y’all yet, and Fiver, Jamie meant excursion. Not even once? Not even one fucking time. That’s cool. A spirit of solid health. I’m transcribed like that. What, I really am. Dude, don’t have faith or look now but I really believe your life could re-bloom at any instant. They’re carving my name into trees all across the county, Ali. Country men. We’d best find the culprits. Sounds like a lame-ass quest. A baby skull, our names mysteriously carved into the heart of stuff like beribboned mustachios, to steal the means of transport after severing the ferryman’s hands, and at last mayhaps to need to murder some people although we desire it not. Yet what nobody can tell me is if that makes for a just evening and a well-spent youth. No, put your money away, we came here to play not pay. Shut up. Not doing ANY of that. Why the hell would one of us have a baby skull? What happened to the old plan of getting old and dying? Ah man its just a bunch of Christ and taxation. She looked around the bar. This is bullshit with fucking darkness in it. She felt the bartop. Structurally sound, though, for a gel of swirling particles. ACK. The deathly preparation. Take me out hard, Voldemort Radagast Marshall. Charlie Jewell’s fucking ghost-angel appeared, bent and attired in rags with holes up the back showing knots of spine, fully blonde, smiling, proudly embarrassed, waiting for someone to make him laugh or offer somethung awful to agree about. Jamie freaked out and chortled and danced her hands involuntarily in front of her until the world was dizzy; Alison made an O mouth as a joke and said What’s up Charles. Jamie was able to still her hands. She yelped. Alison said Quit yer burbling. Not Much. You’re all part of one thing, though. But yeah, just thought I’d drop by. Its certainly fucked up to see you. Yeah. Can you drink liquor? Fuck yeah, I’m a funnel into heaven. A funnel into heaven, dontcha know. He pointed a finger at Fiver. Its your fault I’m dead, but you can’t really tell if I mean that or if its in your own head. He cast his head back on his neck and laughed gahgahgah, his adam’s apple like a pedal. Ah yeah.